Just more words that were never heard

I try to pretend
I wasn’t burdened with
your logic or
your lies
we both know this is
a lie all my own,
and though I tell myself
I couldn’t have known,
the truth was always there,
burrowed in my head.
I had an out,
and I chose you instead.
{If only…}
{What if…}
but it makes no difference now,
and even so,
a nagging voice inside
says I might still choose you anyhow.
We are
such funny creatures –
stubborn to the core,
swearing “I don’t love you anymore”
as if it erases
what was already done,
what was already said,
as if it empties you out of my head.
Physical reminders aside,
I think you might never be gone:
forever a homesickness
I can’t shake,
an ever-present but dulling ache,
and always,
the one who got away.





I feel the presence of our exes –
ghostly fingers on my shoulder,
sticky breath upon my neck.
They watch for us to stumble,
anticipate each setback.
Layering the past is
always a gamble,
and deep inside I wonder
which one of us might crack.



You are
so far away,
but I have never been this close
to falling.
I was told to keep my shoes tied tight,
but I am waiting nonetheless;
nothing this good lasts forever,
and we both say that we would never,
but people say a lot of things.
Past regrets and
changed last names
are reminders of all the ways this could unravel,
and I wish that I could screenshot
the way I feel in every moment now,
just in case it could somehow
stave off heartache in the end.



This applies to all of you

You are a muted paranoia
I can’t bring myself to shake,
a piggy bank of wishes
I can’t bring myself to break.
I cradle shadows of our former selves,
like it will somehow bring us back,
and I nurse little lies I told myself
to help fill in all the cracks.
With every day that passes,
I remember less of you,
so I supplement with fairy tales
that I know were never true.
You’re a five-fingered accusation
right across the face,
and look how wide we shut our eyes
to avoid the empty space.
You are the answer to a question
that is only in my mind;
you are the perfect resolution
that was never ours to find.

(original from 11/8/10, edited 1/22/19)